The Imperfect Child Who Cracked a Smile
Section I: The Noise
Serenity's Institution
Life's a constant rollercoaster of shame,
Leaving my heart, body, and soul chatting with pain.
These dark perceptions keep my mind in question: Is my life a lesson?
I pray for my brother's sake, that my mind won't serve as their reflection.
Hope you let them live on the surface and not past it,
Fore this life is truly drastic.
From buddies in elementary, to full rides to penitentiaries,
Vape smoke and pills confiscating your classroom memories.
Now you're making enemies, fore your thinking is of the contrast,
Due to the trends and norms you look past.
Now your scene is like errors within a rough draft,
Leaving you to ponder: Is this the life I must have?
That movie is what I don't want young Max or Mason to see,
Fore there's no scripts or censorship to shield the content you see.
All I want is a happy ending, I already missed the beginning.
I asked Serenity, "Can your definition cease my intermission from ticking?"
Or maybe I need an institution for my mentality-
I love myself too much to be my own fatality.
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Addicted
Envy
My hatred and envy for love grows
As my addiction shows-
From the silhouette of a woman's body
To the feeling of these drugs I try to copy.
I feel alone in the battle, but it's self-inflicted.
What's the point of sharing my story
When they won't understand how it's depicted?
I know my purpose is for change
And to speak the truth through fame.
I know I can control my desire
In order to inspire.
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My mind is twisted.
When questions arise about my emotions, I become dismissive.
When my vices enter the room, I become submissive.
Past regrets lead me back to my old ways,
As a cope to forget about the old days.
I used her cuddles in bed
In order to remember how it felt with my first love in my head.
I need space.
I need faith.
I need a woman.
I need grace.
I Talked to God Yesterday
I talked to God yesterday.
He told me to walk within His words and don't let the Devil have a say.
My Bible sits on the floor as my demons knock on my door.
I can't get myself to pray to keep the problems at shore,
So I exhale tree smoke as my temporary cure.
I've been lying to my mom, knowing my life's not pure.
Got intoxicated last night because I felt too insecure.
Momma told me to love who you are, but the child in front of her words
Traveled pretty far.
I asked God to take the wheel on my journey and still I crashed the car.
My heart was never in it while I wished on a star.
Mental scars to serve as a reminder of my faults.
I should be seeking therapy instead of questioning my thoughts.
I give the world my all by default, while the crowd goes mute when I talk.
Section II: The Yearn
She
She needs my attention, my affection serves as her redemption.
She uses me for the late nights, I try to go to sleep to break the plight.
She loves the way we can relate, using my presence to clean her slate.
She knows what I can provide.
Disownment
These intrusive thoughts
Keep my emotions at a halt.
For that, I put my own way of life at fault.
As love treats me with disownment,
The pleasure I seek within women is only
In the moment.
Do I live in it? Or let it pass?
Romanticism
Tuff crowd for a romantic.
My mind moves frantic as
I try and fantasize a woman who can tolerate my antics
Instead of panic.
I can't plan it-these tribulations arise in the nighttime.
Mr. Loner
I stay alone
Within a world where love is a loan.
If my time is money, then the hours
I invest in you should be time spent on my own.
I question my choices
While blocking the noises.
Can't sleep when the voices keep me voiceless.
I'm conflicted in my current restriction.
I want to see you happy,
But not in this current description.
Guess I need to change my perception with these new prescriptions.
You can live your life how you depict it-
Just don't forget the part when I was in it.
Meanwhile, I'll be alone,
Wondering if you missed it.
The Snake and Me
Scenes played out,
Feelings bled out,
Words left out.
Through love, the pain came and gave a shout.
This is why I'm always left in doubt.
When I think a rose will sprout,
The snake peeks out,
Leaving my mouth mute to speak out.
Vulnerability serves as an enemy.
Opening my book to you appears as a waste of energy,
But I never met a snake with such synergy.
We laugh,
We kid.
Part of me ponders on what it will look like if we have a kid.
But who am I to speak on what we did?
Maybe if I kept the fence above the grass,
Me and you could have been friends in the end.
Section III: The Release
Why
I can't put my trials into words,
Nor can I explain why my problems occur.
When my overthinking spurs,
I often reminisce on past events before I matured.
Early sexual encounters left me desensitized,
As I wonder, "What types of lessons did those interactions provide?"
I look up to the ceiling to find the truth within the answer,
But my pain still stays uncured like cancer.
I love my mother, but still I'd rather explain my troubles to a pole dancer.
I want to indulge in love and tell my wife the vices I have before she gives me a hug,
But I'm not where I want to be in life yet.
I hope the time that I spent rebuilding won't leave me in debt.
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Hatred within keeps my mental in sin,
I try to keep my face with a grin,
With problems up to my chin,
Praying for a brighter light at the end.
The Bible is telling me I can be washed again-
A pool full of forgiveness, but I'm hesitant to jump in.
I know i'mma be great.
Her
Scared of the outcomes behind being fond of her.
Scared of the pain behind the feelings towards her.
Excited to hold and console her.
Anxious to fall in her eyes.
Impatient to become her guy and the guide.
Her voice sounds like my peace.
Her laugh serves as my refuge.
My thoughts are my asylum.
Her imperfections are my freedom.
Brina
I tried to show you love and you covered your eyes.
I wanted to make you mine.
I thought it was possible since we put in the time.
Seen you in New York for the first time in 2 years.
Our hug and embrace felt sincere,
But the communication wasn't clear.
With us at our separate ways across oceans and towns,
I pray you can experience the same emotions I felt with you
With the next man you decide to let in now.